Why Pride is Personal: Coming Out

It will come as no surprise to hear that I live my life by a code of beauty, wonder, and magic. But there is another word that is also important to me, and that is honesty. As you know if you've been reading my blog for a while, I tend to be pretty transparent about aspects of my life such as my struggle with OCD and anxiety, my belief in things beyond what we see, my fears and my hopes and dreams. But one thing I have kept close to the vest until now. So in honor of Pride month, I want to make clear something that I've only openly said to a few. I am queer. More specifically, I identify as panromantic grey-asexual. 

Don't worry, I'll get into what this means. I know the rainbow is full of many terms and not everyone has a strong immediate understanding of them all. But first I wanted to talk about why I'm talking about this. I have no singular idea why this seemed like the right time to come out, but there were definitely a few factors. I've been mostly assumed to be an ally in my passion for the LGBTQIA2S+ community for as long as I've actively supported for over two decades. There have been, and remain, a lot of stigmas about bi and pan people, and even more for bi and pan people who are in long-term committed monogamous hetero relationships. But by golly, my identity as queer informs a lot of who I am as a person, and that is true no matter what happens in my bedroom or who I have chosen as my partner. 

It has been easy for me to feel like a "fake" because of my circumstance, and because of my invisibility. I talked to my therapist about my worries that I would be perceived to be an ally trying to worm her way into the community, or as I said, a fake. His response was that "if all you wanted was a sense of community and a place to belong, there are much easier groups to try to be a part of. There are much easier roads to take." 

In deciding to be more transparent about this aspect of my life, I also think of one of my best friends, Martha. She is a gorgeous, creative, kind, and magical woman who is also transgender. She is partially closeted and currently beginning her journey. Martha lives in England, a short distance from where Brianna Ghey was murdered in February. I wish we lived in a better and safer world where Martha could feel free to be who she is all the time. But still she takes incredibly brave steps, like wearing a floaty blouse to a concert, or a dress for a walk in a public garden. 

I also think of my niece, who came out to my entire conservative family as transgender when she participated in her brother's wedding last year as a bridesmaid, wearing a beautiful dress and funky sneakers. 

I think of all the policies that are either already law, or on the table to become law across our nation right now. I think of the energy in the air this Pride month, the memes that repeat the words "this year, Pride needs to be less 'love is love' and more 'stand and riot.'" And if there's about to be a fight that goes down, I want to make it abundantly clear whose side I am on. And not just as an advocate (though we need those, very very much) but as a member whose rights are at risk as well.

So yes, I am panromantic grey-asexual, or queer for short since not everyone needs to know the long term for exactly how I identify every time I mention it. I choose to identify as panromantic vs bisexual for a really simple reason that won't surprise you: Pan sounds more like a faerie. Silly, I know, but very very me. I do acknowledge, however, that bisexual does not mean only attracted to two genders. It is the older term and I have respect and kinship with anyone who prefers that term. So pan or bi means you are able to be attracted to any genders. You can form a relationship with someone of any other letter of LGBTQIA2S+. In my case, rather than being pansexual, I identify as panromantic, which brings us to the second part of my identity. I am grey-ace, which means I am on the asexual spectrum though I do not identify as entirely asexual. I am not sex-averse, but I prioritize romance and cuddling. 

So uh...yeah. I guess now you know?