Holding Back From You

A week ago I got back from my second trip to England. This time I flew into Heathrow, rented a car, and drove to Glastonbury for a Froudian faerie event. After that, I drove to the small village in Devon nestled between hedgerow lanes that the mythic arts creatives who are some of the biggest influences on my life call home. And...I don't want to talk about it.

This is a new thing for me. I find myself having to struggle a little against it. Since I started sharing my thoughts online almost two decades ago via blogs, I've become increasingly like an absolute open book. In fact in some ways I pride myself on it. When my dear goblin gals in the Yorkshire and Manchester area met me, they told me I was exactly how they expected me to be from my presence online. And I took that as a beautiful and very significant compliment. In so very many ways, who you see on this blog, on my Instagram, on YouTube, on my Facebook pages...that is one-hundred-percent-me. And usually it is also 100% of me as well. I don't hold back anything.

But this trip...this trip was mine. And will be. I had experiences that I absolutely know you would all love to hear about, that you would absolutely rejoice with me over. But this trip also felt...quieter. The magic was so incredibly potent and visible and real, but it wants me to keep it private. 

While I was away, I had lunch with one of those inspiring people, and when I told her what I just said above, she said "if you give all of yourself away, you have nothing left to put into your creative work, your writing." (Paraphrased) She's absolutely right. Because I promise you, you will see more about this trip from me. Maybe in some few selected pictures in newsletters and here. Maybe in a few little glimpses of moments to a smaller group on Patreon. But mostly, through what I create from here on out. Because it was a life-changing, path-affirming experience that will inform all of my work now, and believe me...I have a fire lit within me to create.

I do wonder why I feel this need to share everything online. I know being open about my mental health struggles and my hopes and fears helps other people feel less alone. But why do I feel like I can't hold anything back at all? I think part of it comes from a deep sense of social fear stemming from childhood. I was a weird kid in a Christian school. No one wanted to be my friend, and the one girl who did befriend me would make me give her things of mine she liked, threatening to withhold friendship if I didn't.

To put it simply, I want people to like me now. And if you do like me, I feel like I have to give you everything of mine so that you will continue to like me. 

It's incredible how traumas like that in childhood can inform so very much of who we are as adults. But, dear friends, I hope you'll allow me to simply tell you...this trip was truly special to me. I'm treasuring it all in my heart. And I can’t wait for you to see it, through what I make from here.